A Theory

Charlie Sheen was taken to the hospital last Thursday because of "stomach pains". The only way that is true is if "stomach pains" is a street term for a particularly virulent STD. This is only the latest misadventure in the increasingly debauched life of Charlie Sheen. And considering how Charlie Sheen lived in the 80's it's hard to believe there was any more debauchery to squeeze out.

So the question is, why? Why the sudden and persistent tailspin? Why now? I think I've got as good an answer as anyone.

Charlie Sheen wants out of "Two and A Half Men". And he wants out bad.

The show has never been good, even when it was "good" it was never all the great. But now? Now it's masturbation joke follow by ejaculation joke followed by masturbation joke, masturbation joke, orgasm pun, Jake doesn't understand something a dog would get, masturbation joke, Charlie takes a drink and commercial break. And in case you think I'm kidding, part of the synopsis of episode 6 of this season is "Meanwhile, Alan tries masturbating on the sofa, in the car, and eventually gets arrested when he does it in a movie theater."

How could you keep going to work every day knowing that's what's waiting for you?

So of course Charlie Sheen wants out, but he's paid far too much. $1.8-$1.9 MILLION... wait for it...

AN EPISODE.

If my Dad made that much money I'd have to kick him in the groin. Charlie Sheen? Forget that guy.

So he can't just quit. He'd lose all that money. But he obviously doesn't want to work there any more. So what does he do?

He takes a page out of his own playbook and Sheens it up. Booze, drugs, strippers, hookers, more booze, more drugs, hookers that strip, strippers that hook, stupid hats, everything he can think of to make himself so unattractive to CBS that they will finally buy him out. You have to know they're close to their breaking point. This is a game of chicken and either CBS is going to blink, or Charlie Sheen is going to die.

Either way he will be free.